


The Mess I Made

by jokerssmile



Series: Nothing [2]
Category: Rizzoli & Isles
Genre: F/F
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2013-07-08
Updated: 2013-07-08
Packaged: 2017-12-18 03:47:14
Rating: Teen And Up Audiences
Warnings: No Archive Warnings Apply
Chapters: 3
Words: 4,654
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/875270
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/jokerssmile/pseuds/jokerssmile
Summary: <blockquote class="userstuff">
              <p>a sequel (of sorts) to my Nothing fic. This is told from Maura's POV. How Maura reacted to Jane trying to win her back, what her thoughts were on the day Jane shot herself, why she broke up with Jane.</p>
            </blockquote>





	1. Chapter 1

Maura finally made it home from work sometime after 10pm, having to finish up paper work on a very difficult case involving a child. If matters couldn't get any worse, she'd had a very loud fight with Jane in the morgue. Apparently Jane didn't care about procedure and structure, all she wanted was the results, an ID and a murder weapon and she wanted it as quickly as possible.

Maura put her briefcase down on the table by the door and let out a heavy sigh. She knew Jane was angry, she'd been angry for the last four months. It was all Maura's fault of course; Jane couldn't possibly be partly to blame.

Maura went into her kitchen and grabbed a wine glass from the cupboard then went to the fridge and grab the bottle of her favorite wine. She took both items and went into the living room. She put the wine and glass on the coffee table then kicked off her shoes. She poured herself a big glass of wine then took a healthy sip of it. She turned on the TV and stared blankly at it as she drank her wine.

She drank half the bottle of wine before she went upstairs to her bedroom. She went into the bathroom and started a bath. She reached for the vanilla scented bath oils but stopped herself. It was Jane's favorite, she loved it when Maura would soak in the tub, the air filled with vanilla and that delicious scent lingered on Maura's body and Jane just couldn't get enough of her then.

She took the oils and tossed them in the trash, they hit the metal can with a loud thunk. She turned the water off then grabbed the raspberry oils and poured some in before swirling it around in the water with her hand.

She stripped off every bit of her clothing before she stepped into the hot water and sunk down as far as she could. The heat felt so good on her tired, stressed out muscles. She closed her eyes and tried to forget the last week of stress from the murder to her constant fighting with Jane. It was the only time they communicated, when they were fighting or when they were being work-polite.

Maura sat in the tub for so long the water started to get luke-warm. She stood up, grabbed a towel from the rack and wrapped it around herself before stepping out of the tub and letting the water go down the drain.

She dried off and put on a pair of underwear and a white t-shirt then her robe and went into her room. She sat on the end of her bed and brushed out her hair. Despite her best efforts she couldn't stop thinking about Jane. She knew why Jane was angry at her, but Maura was angry too. She'd asked Jane not to be so reckless; she'd begged her to be more careful. But Jane didn't listen there was something in Jane that constantly made her want to be the hero and Maura couldn't handle it anymore, she couldn't take wondering if Jane was going to survive.

Maura took off her robe and climbed into bed. She covered up and lay on her side staring at the empty spot beside her, Jane's side. Maura took the pillow from that side and pulled it close to her hugging it tight to her body. It took some effort but Maura finally feel asleep.

The first call came in at a little after one in the morning. Maura thought it might be dispatch calling about a body so when she picked up and said hello she didn't expect to hear Jane's voice on the other line.

Jane asked that she not hang up but Maura could barely understand her slurred words. Maura listened and when Jane said she still loved her. Maura didn't say anything. She knew Jane was expected something back but all Maura did was hang up.

Maura lay in bed staring up at the ceiling. Jane was hurting and a complete mess because of Maura. These last few months have not been easy on either of them. She watched Jane spiral downward, Jane was getting into verbal fights with not only her but Korsak and Frost. When they weren't fighting Jane would avoid Maura completely. What could Maura do?

Maura soon fell back asleep, her sleep however was interrupted because of the nightmares she'd have of that day. There was a variety of them, but they always started the same, Maura would hear the gunshot and she rushed to Jane's side. She'd try stopping the bleeping but she never could, no matter how hard she pressed down on Jane's wound, the blood kept flowing and she'd have to watch helplessly as the light in Jane's eyes dimmed and then finally went out.

Maura would hear the gunshot and rush to Jane's side and she'd manage to help Jane long enough for the ambulance to take Jane to the hospital and when Maura arrived she would be told that Jane hadn't made it, she'd lost too much blood and then all of a sudden there would be Jane's body on Maura's table down in the morgue with Maura standing next to her.

The nightmare that really got to her was when Maura would arrive at the hospital and they told her that Jane was fine and that Maura could go see her, but no matter how hard she searched to find Jane's room she never could. She's run up and down the halls panicked searching, she'd beg for help, she'd call out Jane's name but she could never found Jane.

Maura's cell phone rang again, this time it was after 3 am, she looked at the caller id: Jane Rizzoli. Maura was tempted to just let it ring, to let her bland voicemail pick up and take whatever message Jane had for her. But on the 3rd ring she picked up this time she didn't say hello.

"Maura, I'm sorry, please, you have to know." She heard Jane said then there was a bunch of shuffling and static on the phone before she heard Jane say "Please, Maura, I'm still in love with you."

She could practically hear as Jane's heart broke when Maura said nothing on the phone. Maura hung up her cell and put it back on the nightstand.

Maura got out of bed, put her robe on and went downstairs. It would be impossible to sleep now. She went and sat on the couch in the dark living room. Things were quiet around here ever since Angela moved out.

Of course Maura didn't want Angela to go but obviously she wouldn't stay. Jane would think it was some kind of betrayal, as if Angela was choosing Maura over her.

Maura looked around her quiet home, the evidence of the life Maura and Jane shared together for a year was gone now. No more pictures of the couple hung on the walls. None of Jane's sports memorabilia around. No instant coffee in the cupboard, Jane's favorite mug was gone from by the sink. Maura had extra space in the bedroom closet and dresser drawers, more room in the fridge where Jane's beer had taken up a spot.

Maura sighed, she knew she made the right decision, she knew that if she didn't break up with Jane that eventually something horrific would happen to rip Jane away from her completely. So this was better, yes she was heartbroken but Jane was alive, she was safe and eventually she would move on and maybe they could be friends again.

Maura closed her eyes and remembered the day that Jane shot herself. Bobby grabbing Jane and pulling her away from Maura and out of the morgue, She remembered a bang going off and smoke filling the morgue as SWAT came in, she put her hands in the air saying 'Don't shoot' as SWAT cleared the area and moved out. Maura ran for the stairs. She could hear Jane screaming outside, "Shoot him! Just shoot him!" Maura heard Korsak yelling out to Bobby but then she heard Jane yell No and as she got to the door of the department she opened it to see Jane with Bobby, she was hunched over, she yelled Jane's name but then the gun went off and Jane and Bobby fell to the sidewalk.

Maura rushed down the stairs and over to Jane. Korsak put his gun down and ran over as well. Frost and Cavanaugh stood with half the police force behind them, all completely stunned.

"Oh god Jane what did you do?" Maura yelled at Jane as she covered the wound with her bare hands. Jane was losing so much blood, "Call an ambulance" She yelled at Korsak.

The blood oozed through Maura's fingers, "Please Jane." Maura begged. She franticly shifted her hands on Jane's wounds. "Please Jane, don't die."

Maura opened her eyes, she sniffled, wiped away a tear. That was the worst moment in Maura's life. She had to watch Jane bleeding out on the sidewalk but a self-inflicted gunshot wound. Sometimes she could still feel Jane's warm blood on her hands.


	2. Chapter 2

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> There's a lot of flashbacks during this chapter.

Maura rubbed her hands together at the memory then stood up. The more she tried not thinking about Jane the more she thought of her. Maura knew it was late but she picked up the phone and called Angela.

"What's wrong?" Angela answered the phone panicked.

"Nothing's wrong, Angela. I'm sorry for calling you this late but it's about Jane." Maura said.

"Did something happen?" Angela asked.

"Nothing like that no, she's extremely intoxicated and she's called me a couple times." Maura explained to her. "I was just wondering if you could perhaps call her and ask her to not call me anymore, especially if she's going to be intoxicated."

"I can try Maura." Angela said, "But Jane isn't really listening to me these days."

Maura understood completely. "Again, I'm sorry to have called so late."

"That's fine, Maura." Angela said politely then they hung up.

Maura turned on the TV to drown out the silence the filled her house. She put it on a news program and watched it absentmindedly.

The TV drowned out the silence but it couldn't still Maura's thoughts of Jane.

She closed her eyes and the images of Jane being put into the back of the ambulance and rushed off from the scene came back to her. She remembered Korsak standing next to her asking Maura if she was okay over and over again but his words sounded distance to her. All she could do is stand there; Jane's blood was soaked into her red and white dress.

She looked down at her trembling hands and saw them covered in blood. She turned and looked at Korsak helplessly.

"Miss, are you hurt?" An EMT came up to Maura, "Miss?"

Maura blinked, "No, it's not my blood." She said and the EMT took Maura by the arm over to the ambulance and poured an antibacterial wash on Maura's hands, then gave her a bunch of paper towels.

Once Maura was cleaned up the EMT took the soiled towels and threw them in a bin in the back of the ambulance. "Are you sure you're not injured?" The EMT asked again and Maura nodded her head.

The EMT went off with her partner to help other people and left Maura standing by the ambulance.

Police, Medics, and SWAT were running in and out of the building. Maura watched as they wheeled out the injured. She saw them bring out Frankie and load him into an ambulance.

"Dr. Isles, let's get you to the hospital." Korsak said to her taking her by the arm.

They drove in silence to the hospital and went inside. It was chaos as the hospital was taking on the injured from the department.

Maura wandered up a hall way and sat down in one of the chairs. She just sat there staring out into nothing.

Maura didn't know how long she sat there, minutes, hours but soon she saw Angela rushing up the hallway to Korsak. They spoke for a moment then Angela came down the hall to where Maura was.

"Maura, what happened? Is Jane alright? What about Frankie?" Angela asked quickly.

Maura just looked up at her, "I don't know."

Korsak got information from the nurses' station that both Frankie and Jane were in surgery and it'd be a while before they knew anything. A nurse took them into a waiting area and told them a doctor would find them.

"Dr. Isles, why don't you come with me and we'll get you some clean scrubs to wear." A nurse said to Maura and without saying a word Maura followed the nurse into a room and she gave Maura a fresh pair of scrubs then left the room.

With shaking hands Maura slowly started to take off her dress. The blood had soaked in through her dress and onto her skin. She went to the sink and wet a paper towels and wiped herself off as best she could. She put on the light green scrubs and threw her red and white swirled dress away in the trash.

Maura opened her eyes. She looked around her living room; the TV was now playing an infomercial about tub scrubbing solutions.

"You have to stop doing this." Maura said out loud to herself as she stood up. She went into the kitchen and decided to make herself a cup of tea to help her go back to sleep.

She stood by her stove as water heated in her tea kettle. She stared at the blue and yellow flame as it danced under the kettle and her mind wandered and she was back at the hospital.

Hours had passed and finally a doctor came in to tell them about Frankie's condition and Angela asked about Jane. The doctor told Angela that Jane was still in surgery but he's wasn't Jane's doctor so he didn't know her condition. The doctor took Angela to Frankie's room leaving Maura and Korsak in the waiting room.

"I'm sure Jane is going to be just fine." Korsak said to Maura. "She's been through worse than this."

Maura just sat quietly and stared at her hands.

"She's a fighter, she'll make it." Korsak said.

"She shouldn't have to be here fighting for her life." Maura said anger rising in her voice.

"There wasn't anything else she could do." Korsak said to her.

"Why didn't you shoot him when she begged?" Maura asked glaring at him. "You could have shot him and it would have ended there."

"Hey, you don't know what was going on out there." Korsak said getting defensive, "There wasn't a clean line of fire. If I would have fired I could have hit Jane."

"You could have tried something." Maura said standing up, "You failed to protect her again."

"Now wait a minute here." Korsak said standing up, "I know you're hurting right now." He said, "But don't you dare think that I don't care for Jane and want to protect her." Korsak knew Maura didn't mean what she was saying but it truly pissed him off the words coming out of her mouth.

Maura just stared at him, "I'm sorry." She said quietly to him as she sunk back into her chair.

He went and sat next to her and patted her on the shoulder, "I understand it's okay."

Angela came back into the room and sat down. She looked exhausted.

"How's Frankie?" Korsak asked.

"He's resting." Angela said, "He looks so pale though."

"I'm sure he'll be just fine." Korsak told Angela.

Another doctor came into the room, "Mrs. Rizzoli?" He asked.

"Yes?" Angela said standing up.

"Mrs. Rizzoli, your daughter is out of surgery. We managed to stop the bleeding and repair the damage." He told her and Angela let out the breath she'd been holding in.

"Barring any complications or infection she should make a full recovery." He told her and Angela threw her arms around him and hugged him thanking him.

"Yes, well, she's in recovery at the moment but she'll be moved to a new room. A nurse will come and get you when you can go visit her." He told Angela then left before Angela could hug him again.

Angela turned to Korsak and Maura, "She's going to be fine." She said with a smile.

The tea kettle on the stove let out an ear piercing whistle that brought Maura back to the present. She turned off the burner and poured herself a cup of tea before taking it back into the living room and sitting on the couch.

She had to give herself a moment to get her hands to stop shaking before she could take a sip.

Over the last few months, working with Jane after she recovered was very difficult. Maura tried to be polite and professional but all Jane wanted to do was talk about what happened. Not about the shooting but about the breakup. Maura didn't want to talk about it, there was nothing left that needed to be said so she tried her best to keep her distance from Jane, only interacting with her at work if needed.

There were no more after work drinks at the Dirty Robber, no more dinners Angela would cook for them. No more hanging out in Maura's office putting off paperwork while Jane and she talked. Friends and family were divided. Maura was left with no one. They were polite to her, but Maura wasn't included in the same things she once was.

Maura made herself scarce the day Frankie and Frost went to move Jane's things to Jane's new apartment. She was conveniently gone the day Angela moved out too. She couldn't face Angela. Maura knew just how much she'd hurt Jane and she knew that the hurt was felt in Angela too.

Jane's family was Maura's family. Frankie was as protected of her as he was of Jane. Angela doted on her, telling people how proud she was to have a detective and doctor as daughters.

Korsak looked after Maura like any good uncle would and Frost was as good of a brother as Frankie.

Maura didn't think anyone else would get hurt by the break up beside her and Jane. But Maura not only lost Jane, she lost the little family that had encircled them as a couple.


	3. Chapter 3

Maura put her tea cup down and laid on the couch she rolled onto her side and stared at the TV, the low blue hue filled the room.

Maura finally managed to fall asleep. She was in the middle of one of her bad dreams when she heard the doorbell ring. It jarred her awake and she sat straight up on the couch and looked around.

The doorbell rang again so she got up and went to the front door and looked out the peephole. She saw Jane standing at her door, leaning a hand on the door jam. Maura rested her forehead on the door; her hand was on the doorknob. She kept telling herself this was a bad idea, to not open the door that Jane would eventually start to sober up and go home. But against her better judgment, which always happened in the case of Jane, Maura opened the front door.

Maura stood silently with her arms crossed, and when Jane said her name she could smell the sour beer and vomit on her breath. Maura took a step back. She wanted to ask what the hell Jane was thinking but she remained quiet waiting for Jane to say something.

Maura could see Jane trying to process something in her brain. She could see Jane agonizing over what to say, how to win her back. She saw how Jane searched Maura's eyes looking for a glimpse of something that was once there, a little bit of the love Maura had for her and by the look on Jane's face Maura saw that Jane didn't see that anymore.

So they stood there staring at each other, Maura was getting more impatient by the minute. So finally without a word Maura stepped back and shut her door in Jane's face.

She leaned her back against the closed door, She could hear that Jane was still out there, she could hear the quiet sniffling coming from the other side. Maura fought with every fiber in her being to not swing open that door and hold Jane in her arms again and tell her that everything was going to be okay.

Those days were gone, Maura made sure of that.

Maura listened to Jane cry as she closed her eyes and remembered that day at the hospital when it all ended.

Maura had been standing quietly in Jane's hospital room for almost an hour now waiting for her to wake up.

When Jane whispered a Hey, Maura turned around and went to her bed side and sat down. Jane outstretched her hand and on instinct Maura took it.

When Jane asked what was wrong, Maura couldn't look at her.

"I can't do this anymore." Maura said as she slipped her hand out of Jane's.

The hurt that washed over Jane's face was almost too much for Maura to take. Jane looked so tired and confused.

Maura told Jane she couldn't watch her die, and when Jane said she was fine, Maura just wanted to slap her right across the face. Maura yelled that Jane wasn't fine that she had a bullet hole in her.

Maura rarely lost her temper, especially with Jane, but who the hell did Jane think she was trying to fool?

If Jane had known what it was like for Maura to watch as Jane's life spilled out of her onto the sidewalk, how it was to feel Jane's blood all over her hands, how helpless Maura felt not being able to do anything to stop Jane's bleeding. How helplessly she felt when she couldn't stop the pain that was ripping through Jane body. How life crushing it was to watch as Jane slowly closed her eyes. How Maura had begged her not to die.

"I loved you Jane." Those were probably the hardest words she would ever have to say to Jane. Loved. Past tense. But you don't just stop loving someone as soon as you say the words do you? Maura's heart broke seeing the look on Jane's face when it registered to her that Maura was speaking in the past tense.

She saw how angry Jane was getting. But Maura was shaking on the inside, she kept telling herself, 'Just say goodbye and walk away.'

When Maura got up to leave, Jane stopped her, and Maura turned to look at Jane she saw just how much this was hurting Jane, how much this would continue to hurt her and when Jane said "Please Maura, I …. I love you." Maura almost lost it when she saw that Jane knew Maura wasn't going to say it back, not ever again.

All Maura could do is walk away, she said one final goodbye, before she slipped out the door.

She saw that Angela was coming up the hall to Jane's room so Maura ran in the opposite direction; she took the door to the right and headed down 3 flights of stairs before she had to stop and catch her breath. Between the running and sobbing she was going to hyperventilate and faint. She sat down on the bottom step and cried until she couldn't cry anymore.

The two weeks that followed where bad to say the least. When Angela found out that Maura broke up with Jane she tried to talk to Maura about it but Maura simply said it wasn't any of Angela's business. Angela moved in with Frankie till she found an apartment of her own. Jane was still in the hospital when she found a cheap apartment to move into and asked Frankie and Frost to move her things from Maura's.

Maura knew what they thought of her, they thought she was cold hearted for dumping in the hospital, for dumping Jane just for doing her job. But Maura knew this was way beyond Jane's job description. Maura wasn't stupid she knew there were risks to being a detective, she knew there was always a slight danger involved but it seemed at times that Jane chased after the danger.

"It's who she is; I thought you would have known that by now." Korsak had told Maura.

When Jane was released from the hospital and at home recuperating she'd call Maura and leave messages on her voicemail asking that they talk. Sometimes she'd plead, sometimes she'd get angry and yell things like, 'you own me some kind of explanation.'

At first Maura would call back, tell Jane that things had to be this way and she'd ask Jane not to call unless it was about work but she knew that wouldn't stop Jane.

After a month Jane stopped calling. Even when there was a ceremony and Jane was called a hero, Maura didn't go, even though she was invited. Maura was trying to make a clean break from Jane but it was becoming difficult since Jane had come back to work.

Now they were forced to see each other every day. Maura would watch Jane as she'd get off the elevators and walk towards the morgue. Maura could tell Jane had lost weight and that she wasn't sleeping. She looked at Jane and thought 'this is the mess I made'

When Jane would come into the morgue everything was professional, there were questions with no flirting, information flowed without fun facts, and details were accepted without sarcasm. Maura could feel Jane's eyes on her, feel her staring at her almost as if she was willing Maura just to look at her.

Sometimes though Jane would lose her patience with Maura, she'd come in waiting on results and then they'd find themselves arguing. Maura would stop Jane before the arguing lead to some kind of discussion about their relationship but lately more times than not it was just Jane being angry.

Slowly the mutual friends they had, Frost, Frankie, Korsak and even Angela, they drifted from Maura. She understood it, but that didn't mean that it didn't hurt her. They chose Jane and Maura was left alone again.

Sometimes Maura would wonder if it was worth it, breaking up with Jane. She did it to avoid heartbreak but here she was her heart was broken and she was alone. Jane was a complete mess, yes she was alive but she was a mess. When Maura would start to wonder like this she'd always go back to that moment on the sidewalk outside the BPD, seeing Jane lying in a pool of her own blood and it always told Maura she made the right decision.

Heart break she could live with, a pissed off Jane she could live with, being alone she could live with, but Jane being gone from her life completely, she couldn't live with that.

Maura shook herself out of her thoughts as she leaned against the door. She opened her front door and saw a defeated Jane walking slowly down her driveway in the light falling snow.

Even though it was broken Jane still had Maura's heart and Maura believed Jane always would. Maura panicked slightly seeing Jane leaving, she wanted to call out to Jane, to tell her she was sorry, that she'd made a mistake, that she was still in love with Jane but ultimately she knew she couldn't do that.

So Maura just stood there tears falling down her face as she watched Jane take her heart and walk away.


End file.
